[Satire] English players urge Ishant to ignore Dhoni

Undeterred by the all round criticism of their performance, England Cricket team has decided to verbally attack the Indian team although in an indirect  manner. It’s a well known fact now that Dhoni asked Ishant Sharma to bowl bouncers which led to England’s downfall. So that’s what they are up against.

Getting mad at Dhoni

“Indian team has got a cultural problem. In their country they give too much respect to authority and seniority but that’s not right. Dhoni has no business telling Ishant how to bowl. He is a mature bowler and can very well decide which line and length to bowl. He needs to assert himself more and ignore Dhoni completely,” was the unsought advice offered by Alastair Cook – the captain.

“Today it’s Ishant, tomorrow it could be Bhuvi or Jadeja. Whatever happened to the ideal of individual liberty? You must remember that even though Ishant is 7 years younger than Dhoni, he is 8 inches taller than him. That is the proof that Ishant is inherently more capable than him. He just needs to find his inner voice and listen to it. If that voice asks him to bowl full – he should bowl full – no matter what the outer voices say,” blasted a livid Peter Moores – the
English Coach.

“If they keep talking like this during the match, I am afraid I might have to lodge a complaint against them. I mean what’s the point of so much chit chat during the match. It’s even worse than sledging. You decide a game plan before the match starts and you stick to it. You can’t change it midway. It’s a gentlemen’s game after all, ” was the last reaction we could get from a clearly distraught James Anderson.

(Published here as well.)

[Satire] Pay bribe online - NDA government launches new portal

In its efforts to bring Acche din to Indians, NDA government has launched a new portal where people can pay bribe online. 

"There were two options in front of us for taking India forward. Either we completely overhaul the existing system or we improve and streamline the existing processes. If we go for the first choice - we will sound like Aaptard anarchists and we may not even succeed. If we choose the latter - we can see immediate results and more transparency." , explained Prakash Javadekar - Information and broadcasting minster.

"See, no one minds paying bribe nowadays as the incomes are on a upswing. What bothers people is that they don't know whom and how to pay bribe? Sometimes they approach an honest officer and both the parties are frustrated. We want to avoid those situations." was how Smriti Irani - the HRD minister - justified the move.

"On this portal, both the government babus and the middlemen can provide services. Whoever is cheaper and more efficient - wins. Payments will be secured through Escrow and will be released only when the person verifies that the service has been completed to his satisfaction." signed off Nitin Gadkari, Transport minister.

(Published here as well)

[Satire] Author puts book on hold as his mother and wife fight for dedication

In a strange turn of events, a first time novelist has put his book on hold as he could not decide the person to whom he should dedicate it to.

The author – who happens to be an IITian and who did not want to be identified for obvious reasons – told us that he had taken a break from his well paying software job to write this book. And if the book didn’t get published and made the money he expected it to – he would have to return to his exceedingly boring job to pay his home loan EMIs.

His mother was furious too. “Why can’t I get an exclusive dedication for this book? I have sacrificed every little pleasure since he was born. I worked harder than him on his studies. I stayed with him in Kota for 2 years away from regular life to make him qualify for IIT. And I don’t even have the right to be named in his book?”.

His father refused to comment saying he didn’t know much about what his family was upto as he was mostly away on sales trips.

His wife agreed to speak to us after repeated calls and had this to add to the story, “His mother did a lot for him as every parent does. But with all due respect  - that’s the past. Since the day he took the break – I have been working like a dog (I can’t say bitch of course) to pay our bills apart from taking care of our kid as my husband wants no distraction whatsoever in his creative pursuits. And now that he is about to dedicate it to me – I don’t feel like sharing it with anyone.”

The publisher was unavailable for comments.

(Published here as well.)

[Satire] Man refuses to kiss newborn daughter to prove Sigmund Freud wrong

In a bizarre incident which came to light yesterday evening at a Bangalore hospital – a man reportedly refused to kiss his newborn daughter as he wanted to prove the freudian theory wrong.

“His hands were trembling with joy, tears trickling down the eyes but he stopped just millimeters short of kissing her,”  a nurse speaking on the condition of anonymity told us. His wife was confused as were his parents.

When they asked him as to what was wrong, the man started on a monologue using terms like id, ego, super ego, infantile sexuality etc. which confused his family even more.

Later, when our reporter interviewed him in a secluded spot he explained that as a college grad he was always confused about what Freud wanted to convey. That was the reason he could barely clear his exams in Psychology 101. All he could remember at the end of the course was that the love between a father and a daughter is primarily driven by sexual urges. He totally disagreed with it. He did a lot of research on the internet to find evidence against Freud’s theories but that ended up confusing him even more.

Situation became even more complex as his wife became pregnant. Unable to get clarity on Freudian theories he vowed to himself that in case a daughter were born to him – he would hold back his emotions until and unless he gets his mind cleared of all the confusions and misconceptions. Hence the strange reaction which flummoxed everyone in his family on the arrival of his daughter.

The man refused to divulge any more details.

(My first faking news story) Published here as well.